Death Sheep from Hell (fenton) wrote,
Death Sheep from Hell
fenton

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To Drive The Cold Darkness Away...

They say that it's very important to keep up your spirits while searching for a new job, and that folks who do more to keep busy, statistically get more and better responses.

I fear what this will require in the way of activity, given that I'm spending nearly a full-time job working on software, and have gotten exactly 0 replies to any of the stuff I've sent out, nor have any of the contacts I've farmed managed to come up with anything.

It probably isn't helpful that we're heading into the darkness of the year; of all the holidays I don't actually celebrate, but feel drawn to, Samhain/Halloween (the death of the year) and Candlemas/Imbolc (the coldest part) always seem to bring out the fight against depression and other issues.

I know the past isn't as good as we remember - largely because we tend to remember only the best parts, or the most intense of the bad parts. But I can't help but miss all of the people who have passed through my life and gone away again. Whether they're folks I met online, or folks I can't manage to keep in touch with in RL anymore, I miss them. Perhaps part of why I'm so reluctant to try what my spouses suggest and "go out and meet people" here; every time I did that, as a kid, I ended up worse than when I started. Hell, most of the time as an adult, too. And even if I do, I'll just move again, or they will, or they'll get lives, or mine will change. It never lasts, and more to the point, it rarely ever feels like it was worth it.

Of course, reading over this, I'm probably just losing the fight against being depressed, right now. And the entire household is getting sick with the killer flu that's going around here, which isn't helping. I'm distracted and losing focus enough that I had to turn off the music just to be able to focus enough to write this.

I want to have a roaring fire in a fireplace taller than I am, and twenty feet long. Except that I'd get too hot, and fall asleep, or move away. I want to watch a single candle in the darkness, but I would fall asleep, or get bored, or it would burn down. I want to hold an inferno in my hand, and even apart from the impossibility, there is nothing to destroy with it - and if there were, I would hate the feeling of obligation, the decision to do, or not to do. I want light, I play at being dark, and really, I'm not enough of anything to be either.

I want a job. Hell, I want the job I had, a few years ago, except with pay actually consummate with responsibility, and lacking the company politics that started after a few years that were unrelated. I learned new stuff consistently, I got to deal with customers who actually thanked me on a regular basis, I didn't have to work insane hours but once in a great while (and then usually with warning), and I could SEE the concrete results of my work in making someone's life a little better. Doing something that I loved in and of itself, and still do.

I'll even settle for a job that makes me marginally happy and lets me see my spouses more than once a week.

Oh well. Enough ranting. Half of the folks reading this are unemployed, to, so there really isn't much point in whinging self-pity. It isn't even making me feel better.

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